As many of you know I have been navigating the loss of my 17 year old son, Sam, for the past 15 months. It's been a deeply difficult time. In the midst of this heavy grief I look for beauty and magic. I seek out things that will bring me joy and help me heal.
My son is such a unique, creative soul who was always paying attention and noticed the little things. I try to do that too.
It's also been a time of spiritual awakening for me. When someone you love so dearly leaves this planet the first thing you wonder is "Where are they?" and "How can I connect to them?" What I've come to know is that there is so much unseen support in this universe and my son is never far away. Sometimes that helps and other times it just plain sucks and hurts and I let the grief wave take over. I feel it. All of it. All the love I have for him... All the grief.... All the sadness.... I let it out. Let it pass through me. Just like that children's book "We're Going on a Bear Hunt "- you can't go over it, you can't go under it, you can't go around it. you have to go through it. And so I do. I honor my grief. I hold space for it.
In 2016 my birth mama passed away. Unfortunately, we were not in relationship at that time. I had the honor of meeting her when I was 13 and we stayed in contact for about 20 years. It was pretty amazing. The first thing I noticed about her was that her toes looked like mine. Weird but true. When you are raised by people who don't look like you similar toes mean something. Anyways, she had become a potter in her later years. I have a few of her pottery pieces. After Sammy passed I thought I would pick up clay right away. Something to do. Turns out I didn't want to do much of anything. I was in survival mode.
Then, in January of 2022 I got a nudge. Maybe I should go back to my clay class. At least it would be something to do. (I was not able to return to work for 10 months). I decided I would give it a go. The class is small. I won't really have to engage with anyone if I don't want to. I felt so raw then. Like an exposed nerve walking around hoping no one would bump into me.
I knew I would need to trim my fingernails in order to work with clay. When I went to get the nail clippers I noticed there was a dime inserted in them. Coins are a common sign from our loved ones on the other side. I learned about signs from the book "Signs: The Secret Language of the Universe" by Laura Lynn Jackson. That book really helped me to learn how to connect with my son and other loved ones.The dime was confirmation, my sign, that yes, I needed to get my hands in clay. I fully believe my birth mama was giving me that nudge.
It really was the first thing I showed up for besides therapy. I'm so glad I did. My teacher, Emily, is so kind and her small studio felt like a safe place for me to begin creating again.
When we moved into our current home in March of 2022 I had a space to call my own. We had been living with our daughter and son-in-law for 5 months. Along with our other son, 3 dogs and a cat, the house was full of grieving folks. That was a lot for a house to hold.
Our new home on Frog Hollow Drive (sounds like Wind in the Willows doesn't it?) had everything we needed and more. A home for us and our other son. A house close to our daughter. It had an office for my husband and a studio for me. It was truly unbelievable!
We lived amongst boxes for months but I was anxious to set up my creative space. Bookshelves went up along one wall and ceramics supplies everywhere. I filled the space with art, inspiration and the many things I pick up on nature walks -rocks, feathers, lichen, sticks, anything that speaks to me.
Soon I was creating with clay again and the best part was my daughter joined me! One day we asked our art therapist friend for a prompt to work with clay. She said to make a strength totem. We loved it and got right to work. I began to create a female torso. My body, my vessel. She is my strength. She carried my babies and nursed them. She houses my gut and my intuition. She continues to carry me through a heavy time. She is my strength.
I shaped and pinched and pulled that clay into the figure I wanted. Then I carved out the back. Mostly because I didn't want it to explode in the kiln, but now I see it differently. Now its like the part of me you don't see. It's the huge hole in me left by the boy who left too soon. I created a little clay ladybug to go with my totem. She would sit in the gaping hole. She is a sign from my loving boy. He sends me ladybugs - sometimes when I ask and sometimes because he knows I need them.
Ladybugs sent to me today! Thanks Sammy!
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